Always Being Held

There are moments when I (Elizabeth Settle) do not have the strength to hold on to God. A diagnosis can make the world feel like a Mack truck has collided with everything I thought I knew. Even ordinary disappointment can leave me feeling far away, ashamed, or spiritually inadequate. In those moments, the thought that steadies me is not that I am holding on tightly enough. It is that God is holding me.

Jason and I have been learning this in the middle of his cancer diagnosis. One conversation began after I flung a book across the living room. The book suggested that the way through a hard season was our commitment to the love of God. On the surface, that sounds true. But it troubled me because it placed the weight of my comfort on my ability to remain committed, focused, and faithful. What happens on the mornings when I am disappointed with myself? What happens when I am sad, confused, or simply too tired to reach for God?

I thought about the way I have held my children. There have been many times when I held an infant or a toddler who did not hold me back. The child simply rested in the security of being held. That picture gave me a deep sense of peace. I can hold on to God, and I love the mutuality of that relationship. But my grip is not the source of his nearness. He is the strong one. He loved us first.

Insights and Lessons Learned

This changes the way I understand faithfulness. God's presence is not a reward for my performance, and he is not waiting for me to close the distance. His initiative comes first. When I remember his continuing nearness, his tenderness, and his mercy, I am moved to respond. I do not have to manufacture closeness. I can receive what is already true.

Mercy has become a dear friend to me in this season. When I know I do not have what it takes, I can plead for mercy. I do not have to pretend that I handled sorrow beautifully or that I never lose sight of what is true. Mercy sits with me in the difficulty. It reveals that God has not left because I have been distracted, disappointed, or imperfect.

I am also learning to declare what is true about my identity when my feelings tell a different story. I may feel disgusting, hidden, or far away, but what is true remains: I am the righteousness of God in Christ. That declaration is not a denial of what I feel. It is a way of turning toward reality instead of allowing a temporary feeling to become the center of my life.

Actionable Steps

1. Name the place where you feel too tired, sad, or disappointed to hold on to God.

2. Ask whether you have made God's nearness dependent on your own performance.

3. Receive the image of being held instead of demanding that you produce a stronger grip.

4. Speak one true statement about who you are in Christ, even if your feelings disagree.

5. Ask mercy to meet you in the specific sorrow, confusion, or failure you are carrying.

6. Sit quietly and ask, "Are you in this scary place with me?"

Reflective Questions

- Where have I assumed I must make God come closer by trying harder?

- What would change if I received myself as already held by God?

- What do I feel about myself that is not the final truth of who I am?

- How might mercy sit with me in this particular season?

- Where do I need to let God's initiative come before my effort?

I do not have to brace myself against every hard thing before I enter it. I can ask God to reveal himself in the cavern of fear, sadness, and mystery. Even when I cannot hold on, I am not abandoned. The one who loved me first is still near, and his strength is not dependent on mine.